So it’s six months today since I finally went to the doctors with what turned out to be an anxiety disorder – something I’d been wrestling with, it turns out, for a very, very long time. I never intended for this blog to become an “anxiety blog”; nor is this supposed to be the definitive statement on what anxiety is for everyone who suffers and struggles with it. This is just something I had to write for me: to get off my chest and put into words something of what this has been like for me, what anxiety is in my life and experience.
Anxiety is replaying every conversation, comment and social interaction in the worry that you said something that was taken as offensive, rude or upsetting.
Anxiety is your mind going blank when talking with others, literally being unable to think of anything to say – then being afraid of the silence.
Anxiety is wanting to be part of the conversation or the party, but not knowing how and being afraid of it. Then feeling left out.
Anxiety is not wanting to talk, even to someone close to you, because you just can’t handle conversation today. So you just keep walking (apologies if I’ve ever done that to you – I wasn’t being rude, honest!).
Anxiety is playing up even the smallest obstacle into something huge and either impossibly difficult or terrifying.
Anxiety is the constant worry you’ve let someone down. Or the nagging feeling you’ve done something wrong.
Anxiety is being unable to do anything apart from waste time, because every choice either seems bad or risks missing out on something else.
Anxiety is when you don’t want to be thinking what you’re thinking, but can’t stop and end up just making it worse.
Anxiety is when the noise – just the ordinary, family noise, nothing out-of-the-ordinary – gets almost overwhelming and you just want to be somewhere silent.
Anxiety is the constant thought that they’re laughing at you, or suspicious of you, or think you’re an idiot or whatever – with no justification whatsoever.
Anxiety is what I’m struggling with, wrestling with – but chipping away at. Anxiety is what I may never be cured from, but what I will never be overcome by either.
“Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you” – 1 Peter 5:7, The Bible. I will try, keep trying, to do just that.